I don't know if I had too much coffee this morning, or if my nerves are just shot, but I feel like a jittery fool right now. =0) I really don't know what my problem is. It's probably a combination of things, but I feel so anxious right now. I needed to use my blog for some therapy right now......to just write out everything that is running through my head at the moment.
So here I go........I know that no one can live forever. Everyone is going to live to some point and then we DIE. And I know that I shouldn't fear death, but I do. I don't fear death because of the pain that may be felt physically, but I am terribly afraid of the emotional pain that everyone has to suffer. I am afraid of death for not only myself, but for my friends and my family. Why can't we think like Moriah's son, and be happy for a loved one to go to heaven. I know that they are in a much better place, and it is selfish to think this way........but why can't keep this person around for just a little bit longer? Why do some people lose a baby or a child? I don't think that I could handle that, and I wish that I was stronger so that I knew I could cope with a major loss. I mean it's LIFE....we live, we die. We all know that's how it works, but yet death is such a hard concept for many of us to grasp.
My mom came in the door last night. Ashlyn and I were in the den playing; waiting on her to come home. We started talking about this and that......somehow the conversation led to my mom telling me that my Mammaw Drum wants me to bring my video camera over one day and let Pappaw video Mammaw and Ashlyn throughout the day.
Most of you know that my Mammaw has Pulmonary Fibrosis, which is hardening of the lungs. I found out about her diagnosis in the hospital after I had given birth to Ashlyn. Everyone knew how devastated I would be when I found out about the disease, so they waited until I delivered Ashlyn to tell me. When I found out, she had been diagnosed for a few months, and the doctors had given her a year to live. Well, she has well surpassed what they had told her. And I truly believe it was due to her special guardian angel.....Ashlyn. If you saw the bond between these two it would melt your heart. My Mammaw thinks the WORLD of Ashlyn, and Ashlyn thinks the WORLD of her Mammaw!
My heart just breaks into a million pieces thinking about this bond being broken. I too have always had a special bond with my Mammaw. I used to sit with her for hours and just talk about anything and everything. I could talk to her about anything, and she would never judge. She always makes me feel better when I am down and out. I just can't stand the thought of losing her. I know that she can't live forever, but I want to know that she will live long enough for Ashlyn to REMEMBER her, and to know how special she was to her Mammaw. If you ask her who's baby she is, she'll say "I'm Mammaw's pretty baby". I think that my Mammaw and Pappaw Drum are truly Ashlyn's two favorite people. They let her do ANYTHING that she wants, and they should. They are the GREAT grandparents. Great meaning the best EVER!!!!
Mammaw is starting to go downhill. She would never tell me that because she's afraid that if she says that she doesn't feel good, I won't bring Ashlyn over as much. I know better than to do that. Ashlyn is the best medicine that my grandma has ever had. That's what has kept her with us this long.
So in saying all of this..........please pray for my Mammaw. Pray for our family. Pray for the strength to get me through this rough time. And pray for Ashlyn. Even though she is young, I truly believe that it is going to be hard on her. She isn't going to understand why Mammaw's not around anymore. I do know that my Mammaw will be watching over all of us, especially Ashlyn, once she gets to heaven.
Friday, October 06, 2006
I'm a mess....
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5 comments:
Oh Mindy, In some ways I wish everyone were more like you. So often I push the thoughts that you're having to the deepest part of my mind and bury them deep. By pretending that we're all going to live forever I can make it through another day. I guess that we all have a defense mechanism built in. It's good that you're getting your feelings out. I don't have any wonderful advice, just spend as much time with your mamaw as you can. You're right about Ashlyn being the best medicine. Children have a way of making everyone feel better. I love you girl, and I'm always here for you. I'll keep you in my prayers.
In makes me sad to think about your Mammaw, too! I think of her as one of my own grandparents! I can't even imagine how difficult it will be to be without her! It is okay to be sad, because she will be deeply missed. I am glad that she hasn't gotten to spend the time she has with Ashlyn! She is a lucky girl to have such an awesome GREAT Grandma!! I will be praying for her and you!! Love ya!!
Oh girl. I understand. I so do. You know...I hate death too. I had my own inner battle prior. Ashley is so right. Sometimes "thinkers" and people who ponder on things like us...worry way to much.
I wish I was better with words. I do. When my grandmother died it was on Sawyer's birthday. Sawyer and I sat on my bed at 5:14 and watched the clock tick tock. I started counting down 10,9, 8 until 5:15 struck. I gave him the biggest tightest hug and held him and told him how happy I was at this minute 3 years ago. The autopsy arrived for my grandmother. Date of death. September 25th, 2006. Time of death. 5:15pm.
I was crushed.
One of my best friends said "Just think girl, you counted down her entrance into Heaven...minute by minute".
The hard thing for me isn't death. I can deal with that.It's forgetting the little things about those we love. When we arrive at a place where the pain is easier...the memory is harder to remember those we love. Capture this in other ways. Video it. Photograph it.
For me. I WISH...I had that for my children and their great grandmother. I do.
I too love your mamaw. And Your Papaw!
THANKS GIRLS! I THOUGHT THAT SHE WAS DOING PRETTY GOOD, BUT WHEN MOM MENTIONED PAPPAW FILMING HER, SO THAT ASHLYN WILL HAVE A VIDEO TO KNOW HER MAMMAW BY. THE WHOLE IDEA OF LOSING MY MAMMAW JUST DOESN'T SIT WELL WITH ME. WE'LL JUST TAKE EVERY DAY AS IT COMES.
I'll continue to pray for your grandmother!
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